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[Apr. 17th, 2007|11:19 pm] |
well i guess it was all over even before anything ever happened. well isn't that just typical. rejected? yes i'd like to think so. once again heartbroken. this time maybe just that much more. why the hell couldn't he have just kept him god damn mouth shut? well what's done is done.
here's to:
not taking chances;
being the same person that i was, just a little more broken; and
nothing.
if i never find anyone, i don't care, i've lost all feeling for this (thats a lie if i ever heard one), i have myself, my family and i have my friends. i can deal with having nothing more. i've done it for my whole life so far, i can do it for the rest.
am i being over dramatic? of course. its how i cope.
ahh coping, can i really cope with this, or just keep it inside like i usually do. well keep it inside AFTER i say to everyone my feelings about it, but a week later when i seem okay and happy and not bothered. its all an act. i've never been fine with it.
never.
i'm an open book of feelings, but the closer you get to the end the more and more the pages stick together. get what i mean?
maybe i should become more introverted instead of sharing something with EVERYONE. note to self: keep to yourself more often. thats the key.
so 17 years of being rejected, though in many different ways, heres to just one more piece of my heart chiping off.
cheers. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2007|05:19 pm] |
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| |  crappy | ] |
so i don't know what to do. i'm fucked myself over for university and at this point i am the only person i know who hasn't gotten any offers. now i know that its before midterms and all but i honestly don't think i have a chance. and thats really depressing. i don't want to have to stay back for another year but at this point i have to start preparing myself for it. i feel like such a failure because i knew this would happen if i didn't smarten up and actually try hard this year. now i wish i could go back to change everything, but clearly i can't. so now i'm going to have to live up to the fact that i am a failure in my own mind and that there is hardly anything i can do to change how badly i did last semester and how badly i'm currently doing this semester. well it looks like maybe i won't get in and i'm going to have to deal with that. the only thing is, is that my greatest fear is having to spend another year in highschool because i've failed myself, and i have a feeling my greatest fear is going to come true. i just wish there was something i can do. the one thing that really gets to me is that everyone is like "YAY I GOT INTO _____" and i have to congradulate them, and then when they ask if ive been accepted anywhere i have to say no. that honestly has to be the most upsetting thing.
well maybe something good will happen... but i doubt it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 11th, 2007|09:56 pm] |
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i hate valentines day. |
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| =( |
[Jan. 9th, 2007|10:26 pm] |
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| | sad | ] |
rip. bob (june), george (july), jude (dec 24), sophie (jan 8), and alexander (jan 9)
you all are missed.
sorry i let you suffer. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|04:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
so i don't know what to do. i told the guy i like that i like him at semi because i was underpressure and was upset/jealous. but anyway, now it seems like he won't talk to me because of the situation i put him in, i mean we agreed that we would be good friends and what not, but i still think theres something more. i don't know. i'm so confused, i really don't know what to do. wait here's what happened at semi:
everything was fine during dinner and then at the start of the dancing, so anyway the second slow song came on and he told me that he promised his friend he'd dance with her, so i said fine and that i didn't care (cause i really didn't), until i found out who the person was. now this girl *insert name here* i can't stand, she's a bit of a slut you see and is always hitting on him, (oh and she gives me dirty looks so i think she knows i like him and is trying to get him to like her) but anyway, so i got upset cause she was all over him even after the song ended. so i sat at the table and was about to cry, when my friend derrek came over and asked me what was wrong, naturally i said nothing. so he didn't pressure me and left me alone, then he came over a few minutes later all concerned and wondernig what was wrong. eventually we went into the hallway to talk cause it was too loud in the main room. anyway so we stood in front of these stairs (and that girl was sitting above them with someone, so basically she heard everything) he grabbed my hand and kept asking me what was wrong. he was actually quite concerned, and was like begging me to tell him what was wrong. so he asked me if it was because of him dancing with the girl and i said no. then later he asked me again and i finally said yes, and that i liked him and i was jealous. (big mistake i know) so anyway he said that he knew and that he didn't want a relationship right now, and i told him i knew that and thats why i never wanted to tell him. so he asked if we could be good friends (he pleaded for me to be good friends) and i said yes.
so now he refused to talk about semi with any one, he wouldn't talk to me in the hallway today (i didn't talk to him at first, but then i decided i would be the one to start things off again), so i said hi to him after school and he ignored me. so i dont know what to do. i feel horrible for ruining our friendship, and now i really want it back, but i dont know what to do. i mean that girl is winning, and i'm slowly loosing a friend because of it.
i just don't know what to do anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2006|10:38 pm] |
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well nothing all that special has happened lately. my marks are slowly going up, well in a few subjects anyway, which is a good thing. umm what else, oh i have a date for semi, but thats not all that exciting either. hmm i should be studying bio and/or doing philosophy, but thats not going to happen. and well i'm a bit happier now, and i'm hoping that it will stay for a while. well i guess thats it. except, why doesn't anyone ever start conversations with me on msn, i feel like such a loner, and do people get annoyed when i start conversations with them, cause i think sometimes they do, and then i feel all awkward talking to them cause i feel like they don't want to talk to me. i hate the msn lull. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|05:40 pm] |
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| | depressed | ] |
so i we doing better, i really was, until..
my parents decided to ruin my happiness with telling me that the pool table we bought won't fit in my basement.
now i know that sounds really dumb and stuff, but just that small thing made me so upset and angry, again.
i honestly wish this would stop, i mean what did i do wrong. i haven't been like this in a really long time, and BAM its back and won't go away, and this time i don't know who to talk to, i mean i tried talking to one person who is also feeling this way but that didn't work cause we just fought. and i don't want to talk to some other people cause i don't think they will help too much or they will just say that everything will be okay. i mean i'm sure eventually everything will be okay but the point is its not now and i don't know what to do about it. it also doesn't help when i go to see movies that make me sad. the newest movie is: Stranger than Fiction. good movie i must say, but i honestly left the theater feeling like a weight was on my shoulders and that i was going to burst into tears at any moment. of course i couldn't so now i'm sitting here feeling the effects of held in tears, but eventually they will come and i won't feel it anymore.
i don't know what's wrong with me, but i want it to stop, i hate feeling like this all the time, the constant feeling of dread and feeling like i'm going to cry.
someone make this go away! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2006|05:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
well here we go again...
i just fought with one of my friends because i'm too stubborn to confront some of my friends about them pushing me away (most likely unconsciously). but anyway that doesn't matter. i'm more worried about him anyway. his life is really messed up right now, but get this he says he's worried about me. i honestly feel my problems are not really all that important, i mean everyone goes through what i go through, but not many go through what he does. i feel bad for always complaining about stupid things when he has it worse off, and yet still he feels he should worry about me.
now also me and my mother are not getting along once again, well technically we are, but the minute we step into a mall we fight. today for instance we went to breakfast with my friend and her mom, and everything was fine and then my mom tried to force me to keep this coat that i don't like, that was the beginning. now i know it sounds stupid and silly, but this happens all the time. all that ends up happening is that we fight. she dismisses everything i like because she thinks i don't dress like a girl my age should. i honestly think she just hates everything i wear and wants to change me. not just my clothes anymore but me, myself being. its ridiculous. i don't understand why she cannot be like other moms and just let me be a teenager. but anyway today in the mall i actually had to physically yell at my mom outside the stores (with our friends there). this happens all the time, i swear there isn't one shopping experience with my mother that doesn't end up with us fighting and me crying. she doesn't understand that most of the stuff she says to me hurts my feelings so much that i live in a depressed gloom for the rest of the day.
so now i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself once again, thinking about what i'm going to do about my shitty marks (i'd like to point out that i have a 68% at midterms), about how hurtful my mother is, and about the fact that i'm loosing my friends.
i'm scared
i'm alone
and
i don't know what to do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 9th, 2006|10:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | how to save a life by the fray | ] |
well its been almost a year and i figure i may as well start this thing again.
now where to start.
i'm "failing" school, and at this point i'm never getting into university.
i'm having issues again with myself.
i'm constantly sad.
my friends are worried about me, well only one of them told me they were.
i'm worried about some of my friends too.
i have no energy to do anything anymore, all i even want to do it sleep.
i just don't know what to do anymore.
so pretty much this is my downfall once again. this reminds me of before, just a little less intense, for now anyway, i don't even want to see what i wrote a long time ago. too many memories, too many things still the same. but no matter what i say about not wanting to read it, i'll never delete it. i miss my brother, i never thought i would say that, but i miss having someone to sit in the next room when i get home from school. i feel so alone now, every day i come home and no ones there, my dogs don't even bother with me anymore. even my fish try to fight me, i'm not even joking, ask kim. although they may hate me cause i don't take care of them well enough and they get sick. i'm just not a good person for that, but if any of them ever die i'll cry just like before. i don't know what i'm talking about anymore. you can always tell some things wrong with me when i listen to one song all night, and this time its "how to save a life" by the fray.
once again i'll admit i'm unhappy.
once again i'll tell you i don't know what to do.
once again i'll cry myself to sleep.
what's wrong with me, i just don't understand. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|11:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
i've realised something right now, people say they are my friends, but do they really mean it? i mean fine they talk to me, and make me feel welcome (most of the time), but i never get invited to things, EVER. i mean i hear of all these fun parties my friends go to or places they go together, but when do i ever get asked to go. never. these people act like my friends, but make me feel like i have none. if i really think hard about this, it seems like i only truely have a few friends that i will not second guess are my true friends. i mean everyone weekend i hear of this wonderful party at so and so's house or some crazy thing that so and so did, but doesn't anyone every think about how i feel hearing these stories knowing that i was not invited to these particular events? obviously not or they would save me the agony of having to laugh when inside i feel totally left out. everyday i feel left out and tomorrows not going to be any different. when i see my so called friends tomorrow all i'm going to hear are stories they have involving my other so called friends, and guess what, once again i'm going to feel friendless. now i'm not saying that all my friends are like this because they aren't or i wouldnt have any friends, but the ones who always say "you know, you're like my best friend" never include me in anything. so am i really like they're best friend, or jsut some friend they can talk to once and a while. now ask me why i say i have no friends and why i feel like such a loner.
fuck off. |
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